Everywhere I go, there I am.
For many parents, when things get tough, they hit the books. I’m talking about parenting books and there must be thousands of them.
As a therapist who specializes in children, teens and families with ADHD, ODD, ASD, anxiety, depression, and behavior problems; and a parent of complicated kiddos myself; I have read more than I can count. So many of them were good, really good. They sounded reasonable, helpful, and informative. I felt hopeful as I read them. Problem was, shortly after I put the book down, there I was again.
Ok, maybe there had been a star chart, or deep breathing, or a naughty stool used for a moment. But then; there I was, pretty much just parenting as usual.
And there would be guilt
Be patient, be consistent, yelling is new spanking, empathize, natural consequences, logical consequences, immediate consequences, am I being authoritative, authoritarian, passive, what is the goal of this misbehavior?
Enough shoulds to make a person crazy.
Parenting advice seems to fall into one of two categories
- Type 1 Be consistent with lots of positive reinforcement, clear rules, and predictable consequences.
- Type 2 Be patient, empathetic, and basically a saint.
It is safe to guess that you are reading this because Types 1 and 2 sounded good and reasonable but didn’t result in lasting positive change, worked for your other kids but not this one, or wasn’t sustainable. And conventional parenting with its rewards, consequences, and time outs; does work for most kids. And when it doesn’t work for your kiddo it is tempting to double down and parent harder or extra.
This is a huge brush I’m painting with here and I’m not necessarily disagreeing with much of what I read. But,
The proof is in the pudding
Was it a breakdown in the implementation? Was it me? Was it my kids? I think the answer is yes. I can come up with a complicated reward system like a champ. But can honestly only follow it for a week, tops.
After that boredom sets in, the carrots and sticks lose their luster, and that colorful chart is just another paper buried in the stack.
Be more patient
Patience is funny. I don’t think anybody wakes up and thinks I can’t wait to lose it with my kids! We all want nothing more than to feel calm and be patient. Some parents achieve this and seriously, hats off. Maybe it’s you, maybe it’s your kids. Again the answer is probably yes. For the rest of us; if we are going to tame this parenting beast we need something simple but actionable.
Telling a parent to be patient works great. For about 5 minutes or maybe while in public. But here’s the thing, it is ridiculously hard to be patient when you are just so frustrated.
But I’m just so frustrated
It looks like frustrated, aggravated, annoyed, and angry but often that is just the easy and obvious tip of the iceberg
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https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-anger-iceberg/
What if under that aggravation, anger, and impatience is a heap of fear, and a dollop shame, a dash of guilt, and a pinch of grief. Think about that for a sec. If your own HALT(Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) is not at play; when most parents are frustrated there is a lot more going on. You can hear it if you listen for a sec to what you are saying to yourself.
This self talk is our inner voice and it can loudly whisper some version of, “If they are (insert behavior) then they will always/never (insert catastrophic long term outcome) and they will live in my basement forever.”
And calm feels forced, thin, and slippery when you are terrified about your kiddo’s future. And you can see in some peoples eyes, an echo of that voice in your head and the judgement on their lips.
If you let them get away with it, don’t nip it in the bud, then they will be ruined and it will be your fault because of your impatient/inconsistent/crappy parenting.
But problems do need solving. If somebody really never brushed their teeth, they probably would someday fall out, and gross table manners may cause social problems, and a lack of effort/homework could impact college choices.
It is true also that most kids eventually brush their teeth and so on. So the key is getting them what they need, as painlessly as possible; to get to this grown up Shangri-la.
Eventually they will be grown and doing their own adulting. If we avoided one cavity but ruined years of bedtimes, would we call that a win?
There has to be a better way.
We want our kids to grow up to be independent, functional, and happy people and we want to enjoy our relationships with them.
Relationship is both the point and the foundation of doing it more easily.
In my bones I believe that relationship is key. Though it may be key, that isn’t the end of the story. Because something can be spot on and not actionable.
And if it’s not actionable then it’s not going to happen.
So we can’t tell a parent to be patient because they are worried. Nor can we say just lead with relationship, because; still worried. A parent isn’t getting to that calm and patient place until they trust the problems will be solved.
So what to do?
We need a plan that is really a plan. A plan isn’t a dream or a wish. A good one is more like a map. When you have a good map, you can see where you are going and have reasonable faith that you will get there. Feels good. Patient even. Calm and patient people can enjoy the ride because they are confident in their direction.
Our plan to make a plan starts with a list.
- Check your inner voice. Are it’s dire and desperate whispers helping us make and execute a good plan? If we were lost would we keep driving while screaming about how we were never going to make it? Of course not. You pull over, get your bearings, ask for help, check your map, and make a plan.
- Talk yourself down off that ledge. See Step 1. Befriend your inner voice. It’s heart is in the right place, it’s just getting carried away. We must remind it that today is not our only shot at this. We will take on each concern. One at a time.
- Rethink your understanding of the problem. Perspective rules the day. When we imagine the problem is a kiddo who is lazy, doesn’t care, is manipulating or attention seeking; our feelings, and our next steps are very different than when we assume they want to do well, but don’t have the tool just yet. (Better to error in this direction as well)
- Are you HALT? (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired)
Change the conversation with yourself and shift the paradigm of your thinking. No, this is not denying problems. It is acknowledging that there is a set of unsolved problems, and to solve them long term needs a different and thoughtful approach. One by one and step by step. Start at the top of the list knowing that you will work your way down.
If you are stretched too thin, tired, or for whatever reason not in a good problem solving mindset;
- This might not be your best moment to try and problem solve sooo…
- Give yourself a break and take care of yourself. For reals. If a day off from parenting and a massage aren’t in the cards for you either; then how about just giving yourself a little mental break. Good enough parenting is really good enough.
- Trust the process and go back to the plan.
All that was just in preparation to get in a space where you can do something different. This is where the work of Ross Greene and Stuart Ablon and their Collaborative Problem Solving model come on board. I really can’t recommend their books or websites enough to get the details needed to parent from this highly actionable model.
Simple but not easy.
It makes perfect sense at first glance but I have to warn you, this may go against so much of what seems like parenting truths. These conventional parenting beliefs can be more deeply held then some of us realize and this shift can prove challenging.
This model is based on the premise that kids do well if they can.
…if kids could do well, they would do well. In other words, if the kid had the skills to exhibit adaptive behavior, he wouldn’t be exhibiting challenging behavior. That’s because doing well is always preferable to not doing well.
Ross Greene
I’d add parent also do well if they can. I’ve yet to meet the parent that enjoys yelling at their kids or telling them the same things thousands of times. Nobody wants to be a frustrated parent.
This plan is actionable because it gives you 3 concrete choices to approach every problem.
Once you really wrap your brain around the idea that chronic misbehavior is not caused by kids being lazy, or manipulative, or in some way intentionally naughty; but rather from a lack of skill, your options increase and your fear and frustration subside.
When you shift away from rewards and consequences, you can start solving those problems in a way that builds skills and strengthens relationships.
This matters because real patience and calm, yours and theirs, is vital but not realistic when you are caught in an cyclone of escalating consequences and behaviors.
Plan B is where change and relationship meet.
This is the place where you, from a place of calm and intention, nurture your relationship with your child, teach them life long skills around problems solving, and solve those freaking problems!
